I miss you.
I miss you and think about you often. At first I didn’t. At first you hardly crossed my mind as we crossed the state lines. Plus, I found ways to replace you. I have 9 months of adorable love lay snuggled up sleeping beside me. This may have something to do with it. She’s not the only one with blaming fingers pointed at her though, I have them too. I have changed. The point is I miss you, my community, and I want you back. I was lazy in our relationship, and I am sorry.
How we got separated is clear. I was drunk on wanderlust and high on baby. I pushed you aside in favor of new vistas, experiences and mommyhood.
What Changed? We pulled into San Diego in September of 2012 with an 8 month old baby in my womb. We pulled out of San Diego with a 4 month old infant in our arms. I’m not going to lie, it was hard for me to leave my local San Diego community. I love them, laugh with them, lean on them and lift them up. I swirl us all together like mixing paint and my soul is a better tie-dye color with each interaction….But we did leave for our annual March in Austin time. We are making (what is becoming) our usual loop from SD to TX to CO to NV WA (via MT this year) to OR and back to CA. Something is a little off though, my hearts not fully in it. I want my heart to be in it. For a family that is mobile I feel very stagnant.
Proof:
– I am tongue-tied in the drafts I’ve started for our blog. I have to force myself to want to share. I don’t. And there is plenty to share. We are traveling with a daughter (“How’s that work?” One may ask). Seeing people and places, trying things, eating at great places, etc (“How’s that going?” One may wonder).
– I constantly complain about space and mutha’ flippin’ dog hair.
– I am practically counting down the days till we are back on San Diego.
– I refer to San Diego as “home”. Not Dolly the RV and wherever we may be in her.
– I daydream about a sticks and bricks.
– I tell my “Ah ha! moment” story a lot. (LSS: We were living in a house in Vegas and I put Siena in a HIGHCHAIR –something I don’t have in the RV. Fed her, then let her make a mess of the food while I ran a quick BATH–something I don’t have in the RV. Dipped her in the bath. Got her in jammies and put her in her WALKER–something that I can’t use in the RV while I put the highchair tray in the DISHWASHER–yep, don’t have this in the RV either. “Why the hell have I been reinventing the wheel?!?” I thought…and keep thinking!)
– I feel like a liar when people gush about our great life “you’re living the dream” and I agree. It used to be a wholehearted agreement, now it’s a “yeah, it’s fun to see family and friends.” Because it is.
What I fear about ending Operation Tally Ho.
– I couldn’t live with myself if I was the one crushing our nomadic and minimalist life to shove us into the ‘burbs to have 2.5 kids and a mortgage strangling us.
– I don’t want to miss a moment of Siena’s life. And I want her life to be amazing. Seeing loved ones, breathtaking views, national treasures, etc. is an amazing way to raise your kiddos and teach them about the country we live in. We are so blessed to have this life and I want this for her.
– We mustn’t forget those that we get to see while traveling either. I would be so sad and miss those that we “live with” on the road if we were stationary.
What I want.
I don’t know. I am torn. Some days I want desperately to be off the road and in a sticks and bricks. But then we are in a gorgeous area picking berries till our hands are purple, or we are at the top of a Mt in MT and the wind picks my hair off my neck to take my sent to the next peak, or the rain is falling at 4pm (like it always did in CO in the summers of my youth) and I’m there again in CO to smell it. The examples are endless and all amazing experiences THAT WE COULD NOT HAVE just living in CA. I guess what I want is:
– A floor with more room that my daughter can be on without being covered in dog hair and water from the dog bowls.
– To be kind to my dogs. Something I struggle with in a very small space.
– I want a bed for my daughter so I can lay against my husband again. I miss the smell of him sleeping.
– I want Siena to be a Jr. Ranger with a deep respect for Earth, her people, creatures, food and weather. I want her to see different cultures and to respect our differences. I want her to be adaptable and solution oriented. Mostly, I want her to be happy and healthy. And this is a happy and healthy lifestyle.
Would I be 100% into Tally Ho again if we just had more space? I want to have more children, and soon. We need beds!! And I am over our current decor. Dolly the RV needs a facial peel. Perhaps a central vacuum system for all the damn dog hair? Why, oh why, won’t Bret Michaels Rock our RV?!?
Aside from needing a rocked out RV, mostly I think I need you back. You, my community. I don’t even know who you are any more. I have a community in San Diego. Friends and family. But not even really close friends any more. My friends have moved on to local friends. I don’t blame them, but I still feel sadness because of it. I searched tonight at length for travelers with younger kiddos. I found, and got excited about, a few blogs only to discover that they had moved out of their RV and back into a home. Exactly what I think about. Poop!
This is my message in a bottle tonight: You, the Mom who travels with your young kid(s), who practices gentle parenting, who breastfeeds, who eats organic, who likes to craft… If you are out there–please find me. Send me some love and let’s be friends. For you who I have left behind while we wander, please know that I miss you –A LOT!! And I love you as much today as ever. To my blogging friends, I’ve been a crappy blogger and blog reader and I’m sorry. I would like to catch up with you soon. And to you, Bret Michaels, his Producers and/or anyone with pull: please rock our RV. I have a wish list!! (A girl can dream!) ;)
Speaking of dreaming–SWEET DREAMS!
XO
Breezy.
I say just come home to sticks and bricks & Tally ho a couple times a year.. Your community is here waiting for you!!
I’ve been finding some really great houses for you!! Super close to Grandma & Grandpa!! Love you and miss you!!
Thank you!! Love and miss you guys too. See you (for at least 5 months) in a month and a half!! :)
XO
B.
BEAUTIFULLY written/done, Bree…. wishing ALL of you (hairy dogs, too!) a solution that will fit your wishes and dreams.
XOXOXOXOXO
Thank you Marcia! I appreciate the compliment and the good wishes!! Stay tuned for the solution.
XO
B.
Beautiful; I hope it felt good to get it out, too. Motherhood adds extra pressure/opportunity to make the best of whatever the situation, and to paint a rosier picture — it’s not always fantastic in Denmark, either. And parenting is tough no matter what your house — if it were bigger, you’d be safety-proofing, worried about the stairs or lead paint or second-story windows to fall out. If you are crazy with trying to decide, my advice is to decide that you are not yet decided. Give yourself a deadline that you will decide on Thanksgiving, or New Year’s, or whatever. And just let it be until then. Just sit with it, practice not knowing and not deciding. And when that due date in the future comes, you’ll totally know what to do. But you’ll be more relaxed and present between now and then. That’s how I’ve been making big decisions in the past ten years, and it’s worked out pretty well. Now am I staying in Denmark? No idea. Ask me in September 2014. Love to you from across the world.
Hi Nichole from across the world! :)
You have given me some great parenting advice (regarding stool softeners –TMI? Sorry!), for which I thank you. But I think the best advice so far is the above. I love the idea of not making any decisions for a while and letting that just be okay. That will give Matt and I both time to think about what direction we want to take Tally Ho. It also gives me space to not have to figure everything out just this second!
Thank you so much!
Hugs and love to you 4 from us 3.
XO
B.
For the immediate future – maybe a bigger RV – say a 5th wheel so you have a separate vehicle plus more space and a new decor. Then for the longer distant future, perhaps the burbs are not right for you – perhaps a less expensive place in a small town or the country where you can still parent gently, have a garden, and live with reverence for the earth and supplement with yearly Tally-Ho adventures that are just as rewarding in all the ways that matter but shorter in duration. Community is indeed important and of course you will always have that in family wherever we may be located but it also is important to have a support group of friends not only for yourself but for those kiddos too! Whatever city or state I have lived in – I have always found that community in the church I attended. I’m sure you’ll get a lot of comments and they all will provide food for thought. I also like Nicole’s recommendation about giving yourself some mental room for making a decision.
Hi Gramma D,
It feels funny replying to you on here since you are just in the next room over. BUT, I do want to thank you for your comment. I love and appreciate you and your advice and thoughts.
XO
B.
Go with your gut, B. You’ve got a great one.
<3
Thanks J! Loved talking to you today, and I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE YOU IN OCT!!
Bree, I feel your angst and I’m a little envious of your longing to be back “home” in San Diego. I’ve never really felt that about any place, and I’d be happy moving around way more often than I do. But it’s the pull of the people, the friends, the loved ones that is the strongest and most important factor for me, and I suspect it is for you as well.
Tally ho is an experiment, and maybe it’s time for the experiment to change. If you move into a house you can still park Dolly in your yard and take her out on vacations. Plus you can even roam farther afield to take in all the wonders that there are to see in the world.
Siena is going to have a fabulous life no matter where she lives because she is your daughter!
And I suspect that the dogs would be much happier with a yard to run around in.
You haven’t mentioned Matt though….
Hi Penny,
This was a very helpful comment, thank you! It is exactly the pull of family and friends that keep me wanting to be on the move AND stationary in San Diego. Matt wants to keep on truckin’, so we’ll see where we end up. I think we both want to do some international travel too, so we’ll have to decide on that at some point too. A Gypsies’ life is not an easy one. ;)
Hope we have a chance to see you again before we Tally Ho away from WA. And, thank you again for the wonderful comment!
XO
B.
I’ve got to be honest… When I got to the comments I was desperately hoping to see one from my boy Brett saying he was excited to pimp your ride. It’s only been a few days, I’ll keep checking back.
What a wonderful life you have created with Operation Tally Ho! In your home on wheels, you connect regularly with your greater community of family and friends outside of SD, and continually meet new and wonderful people. Your life on the road has provided you amazing opportunities and would be a wonderful “school” for Siena.
On the flip side, there is something to be said for the comfort and security of a home built on a foundation. Routine, familiarity, and a back yard, although maybe not as exciting as the mountain peaks of MT, the thunderstorms of CO, and the unknown adventures that lie ahead, have their perks!
The bottom line, “Every rose has it’s thorn :) .” Your life will be amazing no matter what path you choose, it always has been because you and Matt create a life you love wherever you are. Your crazy sense of adventure and your deep appreciation for community will be values that you will instill in Siena because that is who you are, it has nothing to do with where you live.
Enjoy the journey now and trust that you and Matt will figure it out later. If you can figure out how to take your entire life on the road, you can figure out your next steps.
This made me laugh and cry when I read it last night. Thanks for helping me get my head straightened out a bit.
Also, @Bretmichaels can’t reply if he hasn’t read this post– so I emailed it to every email address I could find for him, his people and his teams. ;)
Love you AL!!
Never commented here, but read from time to time (I have a million blogs in my reader and can’t possibly keep up with them all). Here’s another one I read occasionally in case you haven’t run across them before: http://www.kelloggshow.com/
That blog was the picture that formed in my head when I read your message in a bottle. I live in CO and came across their blog somehow that way (they’re from Glenwood).
Thank you SO MUCH!! This is exactly what I was looking for. A family that is making it work (and making me look a little like a crybaby in the process!). I needed this. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
While I’m thanking, thanks also for reading our blog!! :)
Um… You know he’s right there, right? Like, seriously… turn your head. He’s four feet away.
Who? Bret Michaels? ;)
Hi! I just found your blog, and this post, because my partner, our 7 week old baby girl and I are thinking about the full time RV nomatic life. We hope to be full time on the Oregon coast by Jan 1 st! We are researching right now and, as you found, I have seen multiple blogs of families moving back into houses. This post was really great to read as a new mom preparing for this lifestyle. I guess I just wanted to let you know I am like you and I would be really interested in reading about how you make it work with a baby, the logistics. What baby items do you have? Do you cloth diaper? Laundry? Car seat in an RV? And anything else that is essential when living in an RV with a baby! :)